Genuine Friendships
What kind of friends to you have in your life?
Close your eyes and picture your most supportive friend? Can’t picture anyone? Maybe the only person coming to mind is whose phone call you avoid or who you avoid calling with any kind of news good or bad. We all have someone or a few people in our lives that seem to know how to drain every ounce of energy from us within a five-minute phone call. The one friend that makes you say “ugh” when you see their name on the caller ID. Sometimes you feel you owe it to them to keep them in your life because you’ve known each other for so long. Let’s stop and really think about what these types of people bring to the relationship. Do they provide you with constructive criticism? Do they support you when you make life changes? Do they provide encouragement when you are struggling? If these answers are NO, you might really want to consider if it’s worth keeping these people around.
Maybe it’s time to create and/ or foster relationships with genuine people who have a true interest in a healthy friendship that is usually balanced with a share of give and take. Maybe you already have this type of positive relationship with one or more people and know the true value of a real friendship.
There has been a lot of research that has shown that good health and a positive social networking are connected. Friendships aren’t always easy to maintain, but once built they can prove to be worth all the hard work.
Aside from being a confidant they can provide a much needed boost to many important aspects of your life:
Increase your happiness – Being with positive friends increase your mood and makes you feel good.
Reduce stress – Having a social life boosts your immune system and decreases isolation.
Improve your confidence – A lack of confidence leaves you vulnerable for depression and possible other mental health concerns. Nothing better than a friend confirming your worthiness.
Increase your sense of belonging – A friend can give you a sense of purpose and instill the feeling that you are wanted and needed.
Help you cope with trauma and/or stressful events: a death, illness or divorce – a good friend will talk to you and may provide guidance in difficult times.
Provide encouragement and support – Friends support you to reach goals and push you out of your comfort zone.
Keep you active – Having friends keeps you from being isolated, and helps you experience things outside your normal activities.
Positive influence – Friends may present to you values you may wish to have, such as helping others or being family oriented.
To reap these benefits, you must put in the hard work to create and foster a genuine friendship. You must ensure equal effort is put into building the friendship, otherwise it might not be the positive balance you are hoping for. You want to avoid a one-sided friendship that only benefits others and maybe make you feel resentful. A positive friendship should include the follow characteristics:
Trust
Trusting someone allows you to let your guard down by knowing the person you trust will have your best interests at heart. In turn show that you can be trusted. Be responsible, reliable and dependable. Ensure to keep all engagements and arrive on time. And always keep a friend’s confidential information private.
Communication
Communication is required to keep the line open between you and the friend. This is used to let each-other know what is going on in your lives. Let your friend know you are available to listen, and that you are there to provide help in times of need.
Time
Being present in someone’s life is a huge gift. It shows that you consider them a value of your time. Make an effort to see them regularly or to even check in with them if face-to-face isn’t feasible due to work schedules. Even a quick check-in via text or social media is a sign to your friend that you are still wanting to be present in their life.
Listening effectively
By listening you can increase each other’s self-esteem. It shows people that you value and support them. Make eye contact if in person and ensure you will not be distracted by constantly checking your phone. Ask them how things are going at home and/or work. Give advice when asked for or when appropriate. Hold back with your advice when your friend just wants to vent. Most importantly, always be honest and don’t make feel-good statements that don’t have merit, as your friend expects that they can rely on you.
Give and take feedback
Learning to give and take constructive feedback is very important to your friendship. It allows each person to grow and expand their outlook. Your friend may ask for your honest opinion knowing that you will not sugar coat things to make them feel better.
Empathy
Empathy helps build a connection by relating to each other’s feelings and needs. Providing empathy is to be done without blame or trying to fix the problem.
Open up
Building a kind of intimacy with a close friend is done by opening up about yourself. Be willing to share personal concerns. By doing this you deepen your connection.
Be kind
One of the most basic behaviors we as humans have is kindness. We learn this in our childhood and continue to learn how to be kind as we become adults. Being kind to someone builds them up instead of tearing them down.
Take an interest
Learn about your friend’s interest’s and hobbies. If you see something in the news that might interest them, share it. Maybe join them in their hobby such as painting, hiking or other activities they enjoy. Also, don’t forget to include them in your hobbies. You will share quality time enjoying things together.
Disagreements
It is natural that you will have times that you and your friend don’t see eye to eye on certain issues. This is okay, but instead of getting into a huge argument, try to hear each-other out and find out the others perspective. It is possible to have disagreements in a kind way without being disrespectful. You don’t want to jeopardize your friendship over a stupid argument. This is an important factor in order to keep your relationship positive and healthy. Even as friends there will be times were it’s best to agree to disagree.
A good friendship will always require upkeep; so, you must nurture it by using one or more of the ways listed above. Adult life can be so busy, and you may find yourself wondering when you last spoke to your close friends. Remember that even the smallest of communication, time and listening can mean the world to a friend. So next time you are at the store and see something you know they truly would enjoy consider picking it up. For example, if you see a cute meme send it to them by text. Send your friend a greeting card when they feel down, I know it’s old school, but it may make it even more special because you are spending time to pick out the card, you write a note, and have it delivered. You never know what may be going on at that time in your friend’s life and your little message may be the light they needed to keep going with their head held high. I’ve always try to remember the times my friends may need a little pick me up. Maybe they are about to start a tough time in their work calendar. Maybe there is an upcoming anniversary of a loved ones passing. Reach out to your friends regularly to ensure they know you are available if they need you. By doing this they will do the same for you. What you put into a friendship should be mirrored by your friend.
Final words of wisdom:
Friends are extended family, therefore, enjoy your time with each-other and be supportive of one another. A good friend is there for you in good and bad times, and a true friendship withstands many life changing events and struggles. You can lean on your friend and your friend can lean on you. Remember to value genuine friends, as they are huge part of you living a happy, positive, and full-filled life.
Remove any toxic people or relationships from of your life, surround yourself with people who have a mindset similar to your values. Don’t try to impress people or try to be somebody you are not in order to be friends with someone who doesn’t get you, or doesn’t truly value you. There might be some negative people that you can’t remove entirely from your life, for example in a work or family setting. In that case, remain friendly, but set clear boundaries. Remember just because you have to interact with people, you don’t have to overextend yourself to please them.
If your friendships are causing you stress, anxiety therapy can help you calm your nervous system as well as learn effective ways to manage this. Contact me to learn more about how I can help you with counseling.
